Together we create the framework of freedom

Today it’s about the dark side of Tango, but I need to briefly elaborate: In the last post, it came up that physical and romantic closeness is becoming rarer – and at the same time more charged. We touch each other less, and when touch occurs, the question immediately arises: What does this mean now? Tango occupies a unique position here, with unique opportunities for us and answers for society.

Because Tango offers us a natural way of dealing with touch. Here, closeness is not the same as romance. We often interpret it that way because outside of romance, we have hardly learned to be close to each other anymore. Tango provides a space where intimacy is tied to the situation, not to a relationship. You can enter into full physical closeness, allow your deepest feelings, be present chest to chest for three minutes – without this intimacy leading to the expectation of further intimacy. This is precisely what makes our art so precious. You can show yourself and don't have to explain yourself. You do this when you decide, and without any “more” being expected from you.

And as mentioned at the beginning: Tango also has a dark side. It is the same characteristic, just viewed from the other side. What makes closeness and depth possible so quickly also makes one vulnerable. Those who open up can be exploited. And the Códigos, our beautiful old rules that are meant to protect the space, do not protect by themselves: You can follow all of them and still pursue other intentions.

A few weeks ago, at a Milonga, one of our students came to me disturbed and whispered that her dance partner from the last Tanda had just kissed her without permission. She was irritated and unsettled – and it is not a given that she told me. It was the first time for me that I had to deal with such a situation. This perspective of responsibility and the thoughts I have been forced to have about it since then led me to some reflections on the topic.

To dance well – in a way that fulfills us and possibly also transforms us – we must be able to open ourselves emotionally. To be able to open ourselves, we need a safe space. For this safety, we have the Códigos and dance technique – but this alone is not enough. Misunderstandings or disrespectful intentions can still exist. The Milonga needs more support than just Códigos and technique, and that is from all of us, if it is to be a safe place. Because this safety is not a state that a place simply possesses, but something that a community collectively creates.

We all provide this space, especially the experienced ones who have been around longer. For newcomers, we are the first people with whom they experience this unusual closeness; how we behave teaches them what is normal. A safe space thrives on those who know their way around paying attention: greeting new faces, talking to them, inviting them, keeping an eye on them.

The organizational structure in the background also plays a role: Especially at club Milongas (not uncommon here in Germany), a personal greeting might be absent due to vague team responsibilities, which promotes anonymity. Here it applies: Just as teachers feel responsible for their students during their first joint Milonga excursions, Milongueras and Milongueros may invite newcomers to sit with them, share local knowledge, and lend them an open ear and an open eye.

So what happened next in the story from above? I asked for a description or identification, but the gentleman had apparently fled. I involved my dance partner Jana, and like me, she clearly affirmed the student in her actions: Telling is not “snitching”, inappropriate behavior does not belong in the Milonga, and we are there for each other.

And for all of you who are starting out, a few things that are good to know. Instead of dancing anonymously, feel free to greet people, remember names, seek contact with others – they are, if in doubt, contact persons. You may stop dancing at any time, in the middle of the Tanda, even in the middle of a Tango; a “thank you” is enough, you don't have to ask or answer anything. You may decline invitations – and you will also get rejected yourself; practicing both is part of it (for example, definitely use the opportunity to decline someone if they approach you with an outstretched hand, wanting to invite you “gallantly” and without any possibility of avoidance: That person has no manners or cannot dance). The Tanda is not a promise, not a signal, not a commitment for afterwards. What arises in terms of closeness on the dance floor stays there – unless both explicitly invite more. This applies to all roles and all genders. Leaders may also decline, and men may also feel uncomfortable. Read more about all the behaviors that exist to protect this space in this article.

These agreements are not a cage, but the framework that supports freedom: to completely surrender to another person for three minutes, knowing – here I am safe. If we hold this together, experienced and new alike, then a Milonga is exactly what the world needs right now.